July 10, 2013

Brunette to Blonde Pt. 1: Internal and External Journey

I recently graduated from college. I recently moved to NYC. I recently moved back from NYC. I recently decided it was time for a change. (You know, quarter life crisis stuff.)

So I decided to dye my naturally dark brown hair platinum blonde.

I know it's just hair. Seriously. But this is a huge change for me. I'm a 22 year-old stuck in a self-preserved post-graduation limbo and everything has a bigger meaning for me. Everything seems to have a message lately. So my hair will be a symbol of change of thought and physical appearance.

I find that I'm most comfortable at an easy-going pace. I don't have to shower every day and I like to wear my boots with the same pair of jeans every day. But I also really love getting dressed up. Slicking that lipstick on my lips and making sure it's just right and blotting like 100 times because the color was unevenly distributed. I love when my eyeliner is never thick enough and my cat-eye is dramatic. What I have set in my mind so often for some reason, however, is that I have to choose one. I can't not care and not shower one day and take three hours to get ready the next. It's like I'm trying to find an impossible mission statement for my entire being. Brown hair is easy-going. I never style it, as I prefer to wear it natural, and it's been the same most of my life minus some bangs a few times and a shoulder length cut I got sophomore year of college– and those were huge changes. I like easy-going. I like high maintenance. A lot of people don't like high maintenance and I think that maybe I'm afraid if I appear as such, people will judge me for it. Because I care what people think. There I said it. It's an anxiety thing. For me, I think blonde hair will (initially at least) require more styling. It will make me look like I got ready. It will push me beyond the constant need to have that "Oh, I just threw this on!" look, because usually that's what happened. It will make me feel uncomfortable and that, I hope, will make me more comfortable with myself in the end.

So, let's begin this journey. I semi-pinky promise not to chicken out because this is a process and I really hope my hair doesn't fall out.

***SOOO...CUE THE EMOTIONAL, MY-LIFE-IS-CHANGING-BUT-NOT REALLY-MUSIC***

and I gotta get the hell out of here before I change my mind.



Here is a Bukowski poem called "Roll the dice" to make this more dramatic:

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.
do it, do it, do it.
do it.
all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.


4 comments:

happy to hear from ya!