November 29, 2009

pumpkin pie

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I find it strange that you can know people for literally your entire life and not even find the time to get to know them. People come and go, and you think about all the times you were together with them and then also the memories that you share and realize that you hardly have any to remember. It’s sad to me. My entire family gathers at the same house for the same holidays and does the same thing every single year. You would think that I would know every detail about every aunt, every detail about every cousin, but sadly I feel like I don’t know anything about them at all. We eat, love, talk, hug, laugh, dance, cry, celebrate, drink, cook, shop, vacation, and gather together, yet behind all of this, I know only a little of their lives. Meager chat is all that occurs. How is school? How are you? Do you like it there? Are you getting good grades? How is your roommate? Over and over and over again. No school hasn’t changed; it’s still “good”. Yes I like it there. Yes I am getting good grades. Finally, my roommate is just dandy. I use words like dandy to describe my roommate because that is the only possible spice I can add to such a conversation. Then again, what else is there to talk about when you are in a house filled with people that you are supposed to know and love? Obviously I do the latter, but as for the former, I wish for a little more. Is there anything that I am even missing though? Is it worth the energy thinking about how much I want to know what I don’t only to find out that I shouldn’t have wanted to know in the first place? What is it that I even want to know? Every time I see my family come together, these thoughts are trailing through my brain. I think it has to do with my cousin Adam, because when he died at 24, I knew him. He was my cousin, his name was Adam, and he had some problems. I never really knew him though and it scares me. I have no idea what kind of music he listened to, what his favorite movies were. I didn’t and now never will have a real and deep conversation with my own cousin. This is sad. Wonder if more go and I never actually knew them? I feel like our family life is so repetitive that I have all the time in the world to understand and learn about my family members, except at the same time, I’m not even using that time- sticking to the same conversation about school and how they are doing at the moment. It’s not fair to anyone. I know people have something much more interesting to say than they are “fine” or that work is just great. I just don’t know what that is or how to find out. What about a time when my aunt was 23 on some random Saturday night, tell me a story. I want to hear that more than some bullshit about the dip you made tonight- even if it is really tasty with those sesame crackers. It’s not even learning all that much about the past, it’s about being able to have real conversations with people. All of my cousins are in their 20’s and are girls. You would think that I’d be best friends with all of them and not be afraid of what they think of me and walk right up to them and enjoy a lively night. But that’s not the case. I feel like I was born at such an awkward point in their lives that I’m still just the little girl they always knew, it’s hard for them to understand that I am one of them now. I’m in a transition stage.


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Hope everyone had an awesome thanksgiving! It wasnt the best start to my break considering my goal is to not gain weight while I'm home. good stuff.

5 comments:

  1. amazing post & great photos, darling.
    xoxo

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  2. Love your blog, everything is great. Thanks for posting :)

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  3. great action images! love them. what was that purple thing?

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    New post by Mariam.B, his digital camera is break so she took photos with her mobile !
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happy to hear from ya!